The Feedback that I got from my 1st Draft of Secrets

1. Jane Marlow - Writer - Based on our discussion we had as a pair:

Jane loved how the script was fast at the beginning going straight into the action which she thought was perfect for any short film. She also liked the tone too as she loved the larger-than-life with unpredictable Millie, the antagonist, and the bemused Jack, the protagonist, dynamic as she thought it was a very relatable and comical set up. She also liked the idea of a lie detector bringing out the story but told me to beware of writing too many long passages of the characters explaining why they were shocked.

The improvements that Jane suggested, which were written in questions, to improve on in my second draft of Secrets was:

• Why does Jack not recognise Millie? From this question I decided that in the second draft I am gonna write that Jack vaguely recognises Millie but he doesn't remember her in great detail.
• How do we know that Jack is a successful actor before he gets mugged? This question sparks some ideas on what I could include at the beginning that shows this. I decided that in the second draft I am gonna write that either Jack gets a phone call from an unknown phone number, he picks it up and its a fan and he explains to them that he appreciates all of his fans but he has had to change his number an large amount of times or that he would get chased by fans at the beginning and he would be coming around the corner as he lost them, out of breath.
• Could Millie really be Miss McNuts and that fuels her anger? This questioned also sparked some ideas. I decided that Millie would have an item that she would get out of her handbag related to Miss McNuts at the end of the script and she would scream angrily and throw it to the floor and says her final line and walks off with the item in the shot before it cuts to black.

All of these points were really valid and good to listen to. I will be definitely considering these points when writing my second draft.

2. Stephen Judge - My Uncle - Director - Based on reading it:

He said he really liked it and that it hooked him straight away at the bus stop, he also loved the text messages part at the beginning of the script.

The improvements he suggested to me were that:

• To make sure the action descriptions are as short and simple as possible.
• If you describe something visually (like the electric pads) you don’t need the characters telling us what they are seeing, the less dialogue the better.
• To remove the handbag, that Millie has, altogether since she had the phone in her pocket the whole time, I then decided that Millie would have the tape recorder, her phone, Jack's phone, a fake squirrels tail, a black balaclava and a black haired male wig in her handbag and to mention her handbag but not her pockets so her pockets would be empty. She'd reveal all of these items at the end but not the fake squirrels tail.
• He suggested that Millie should have a fake identity at the beginning so that it proves her acting skills by playing a completely different character, maybe even a character of a different gender? This is why I suggested to add a black balaclava and a black male wig so she could play a completely gender.

All of these points were really valid and I will be definitely considering these points when writing my second draft.